A Random Monii

How’s my vacation going? So nice of you to ask.

I’ve been doing an awful lot of sleeping lately. Maybe I’m catching up on the hours I missed at term time. Right now I’m literally sleeping more than I’m awake.

The whole university idea is scary. Sometimes I look forward to ending up at one of my two choices, and other times the entire thing terrifies me. The fees won’t be too much of a problem, thank goodness. It’s just that I don’t much feel like spending 3/4 more years of my life in school.  And all of this is so much hassle. Blegh.

I’m super excited about the upcoming Potter book. Yes, that’s book 7 as opposed to movie 5. The Potter movies are just light entertainment for me, but the book is finishing off the entire series. I can’t wait! Except… the book comes out on the same day as my matric dance. If there is any way I can read an entire book plus prepare for prom, let me know. I am determined to do it.

I haven’t got any read predictions for Deathly Hallows- I usually read books like movies. That is, I don’t sit down and speculate as I go, I simply read the whole thing and let the story take me. I may hesitate a guess that Percy may die… but I just don’t know! I love all of the characters in some way, so it’s tough. I would like Sirius’ two-way mirror to have some use, as it’s been useless so far. I do hope that not too many characters are killed in throwaway lines.

Also, I am addicted to Urban Dead right now.  It’s an online MMORPG, about a city after a zombie apocalypse. Tons of fun, but difficult. I have a sexy firefighter who has nearly got to level 2. Actually, I did play this once upon a time, but I lost interest. But now there is a flourishing survivor community, and tons of zombies. Not to mention a whole bunch of Firefox plugins to make the game more pretty and fun. Give it a try if you’re looking for a new turn-based-ish game.

I’m really, really enjoying my time off. The sleeping is fun, the food is good. My puppy tends to bug me if she isn’t in the mood for a nap, too, but otherwise she’s cool. I love doing nothing, and vacation is the perfect time to do it. If only this matric dance wasn’t looming.

So tell me. Is it worth living a lie in order to make people happy? In order to be happy yourself? In order to find the life you feel that you’ve wanted forever?

Or would lying cancel all of that out?

Today is one year since my mom passed away. That makes me very entitled to random, awkward outbursts and being very emo indeed. Here are some reflections.

For me, her passing (geez, I hate that phrase. Sounds like some kind of bowel movement) wasn’t a huge shock. I had been living for three years knowing it was going to happen, and a year /waiting/ for it to happen. For the last 6 months before her death I had been longing for it to happen. Seeing someone you love wither away like that is heartbreaking. And she wasn’t just someone that I loved. She was beautiful and charming and I could feel myself slowly start to become like her. She lied for me, she took hits for me, and she put up with all of my crap, even when she got so sick.

The years while she was sick are just one big blur for me. I moved house 3 times in 3 years. I’d stay home with mom instead of going out with friends or relatives, to make sure she was ok. I’d wait for her to get home and help her to bed when she’d been out in the pub all night with her friends, trying to forget that she was sick. And sometimes, when it got really bad, I remember picking her off the floor and climbing into bed beside her, telling and re-telling the stories I used to read. My mom always loved me telling the ones where the girl grew up to be a Knight, or the ones where she could fly.

Looking back, I knew she was going to die. I just never thought about it. I just assumed that I’d keep living a quasi-parental role with no real guardian. I never thought what would happen to me once she’d passed away. Even while she was in the hospice, looking gaunt with her abdomen all distended. When I didn’t want to visit her because she looked so awful. When I was so embarassed the one time we took her out to a restaurant because she was so high on medication. Through all of it, I never thought about the next step.

I did my English GCSE exam the morning after I heard the news, and did just fine. I didn’t cry, my best friend brought me coffee and chocolate to school instead.

And that was just how I lived. While my relatives fell into crying heaps I’d rather lie on my bed, thinking about religion and death and story plots. People started to become concerned that I “wasn’t crying”, and even today I get targeted by well-meaning people who tell me that it’s ok to be sad. I was sad that she’d died, I just wasn’t ready to throw myself off a bridge.

I did feel like it wasn’t fair, though. How could a woman who had come through so much, who had (I can tell people now) lied in job interviews to get positions, had the worst personal life imaginable… how could someone survive through over 40 years of life and then wham, be cut down by cancer and be dead before I was 17?

This world is absolutely terrifying when you think of it like that. Why bother trying if you’re going to wind up dead anyway? A friend of mine told me that little in this world is as important as trying. I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.

So here’s to one year. A year where I moved back to Africa (which I thought would never happen), a year where I became someone whose parent was dead (and with my parents divorced I also became someone else’s “ward”), and a year where my best friends helped me live where I might not have wanted to otherwise.

Also, a year where I got bloody good GSCE results. It’s good to know I can work under pressure.

I loved it.

A few spoilerish comments below…. so read at your own peril, yar.

(more…)

I was browsing around today and found some nice stuff you might enjoy.

First up a post by a guy called Tom Mc Mahon. His son ended up with a brain injury at the age of 8. His post offers some real, honest advice about crisis situations. What I Have Learned In 15 Years

Next up is this awesome list of strange and cool things that you might have done when you were a kid. I’ve bookmarked this one. Childhood Brain Modification

Trying to decide to have kids? Reasons To Have/Not Have Kids

Taking gaming to the next level? These strange people devised a way of connecting gaming and urinating… “You’re In Control” (Notice the pun? Took me a little while to get it.)

This thread over at metafilter made me stop and think hard about my childhood. Life Altering Childhood Experiences. If you want to feel anger, sadness, hope and amusement all at once… read that thread.
One last one, then I’ll call it a night: Sexy Sentences In Different Languages. Always useful. <_<

You have to love your friends.

Especially when they make you want to live again. 

In other news…I fixed Oblivion!  Y’see, I have a bad habit of buying fantastic games and then making them better with mods. Except that I tend to break my games… too many mods spoil the broth or something. But I finally got Oblivion to work and am slowly slowly adding one mod at a time. It’s so pretty… I’ve missed it so much.

It’s been a long time since my last post, this is due to an evil combination of school, family and moving continents. However, all this time away has given me time to think. A chance to find myself, if you will.

I’ve thought a lot about what I want to do with my life. My biggest passion is writing, so whatever I want to do I’d like to incorporate that in some way. As for my other passions?

Gaming. I’m a huge gamer. And yes, I’m a girl. Yes, I play FPS as well as games like The Sims (Everything else in between, too). Gaming has been my passion since I was around 5 or 6, and I’m sure not stopping now.

What else do I do? Well, I go to school. I live in Cape Town. I am a human being, interested in other human beings. Animals too.
So let’s see what I can do. Tune in here for some Random Monii. Comments, suggestions and emails are all very welcome.

So I’m Monii, and this is my blog. One of many Monii-blogs scattered around the net, most of which I don’t visit anymore. But for this one I’m going to make a promise to myself- never force myself to update. Go with the flow. Of course this means this may not get updated a lot, but when it is you can be assured of 100% Monii-ness.

Right now I’m playing the masterpiece that is Oblivion (on PC). Certain elements are lacking, but it ranks high on my list of favourite games. There is one bad element to the game, though. It is impossible to put down. The replay value is astounding. If you ever get a chance to play it, please do so.

That’s enough for a first post, I should think. Nice and generic, with a smattering of game review.